Normally, if I were going to recap a show, I’d just try to pick out one main idea or thought-provoking moment and then try to expand on that. I’d try to find the redeeming quality of the episode or overall message and make sense of it in how it can relate to all of us.
This is a Jersey Shore recap. There are no redeeming qualities. It’s not that I hate the show or hate the people on the show. Well, that’s not exactly true. I hate pretty much everybody on the show. The women are repulsive inside and out. The Circumstance is brilliant at marketing himself, but not someone I’m even remotely interested in. Ronnie is like the entire cast of characters from The Program molded into one domestic-violencing, poor reading skill-having short guy.
And then there’s Vinny and Pauly D.
I love Vinny and Pauly D. They are the reasons I come back to watching this show as much as I do. I don’t catch every episode. But if there is a marathon on, I’ll check in for a couple hours. Vinny went from the sweet Italian kid to just this guy looking to get laid. He’s taking advantage of his “celebrity” by hooking up with as many women as possible. It’s not a great act by any means, but he’s at least being honest about who he is.
Pauly on the other hand might be the most lovable reality television personality of all time. He is the happiest person I’ve ever seen on TV. He is excited about EVERYTHING. He wants to explore their opportunity in Italy. He wants everybody to get along and have a good time. He’s even willing to bite the bullet with Dino (I know her name is Deena but she’s a bit too manly looking for me to call her anything other than Dino) in order for her to have a good time.
Want a reason to watch Jersey Shore? Their dynamic duo-ed-ness is THE BEST REASON to watch, unless you have a fascination for brewing domestic disturbance.
Since there is never a lesson to take from this show, let’s just go through and I’ll jot down some thoughts as I watch. It’s not necessarily a running diary of sorts. Just things I’ll notice and maybe go back to.
- I’m not really going to get into Snooki’s comment about Europe being that big country. There is no way that was a real statement. I know she’s dumber than a sock full of Raiders fans, but there is no way in hell I believe she didn’t say that for anything other than a reaction.
- My favorite part about everybody going to get their passport picture taken is that each time quickly turned into a photo shoot by some guy that clearly lives out of a van. Maybe things are just different and more by the book in California, but apparently on the East Coast, any perv with a camera can take care of your passport situation, while stowing away some extra pictures for his private collection.
- And seriously, who doesn’t want a picture of Dino pretending she’s skinny enough to be a gymnast?
- I’m never going to get over this. Every time I watch Jersey Shore, I wonder why in the hell Randy Foye is there. You probably think the same thing to yourself. We’re going to do a little exercise here. Check out Randy Foye with and without the wig here.
Same person, right? For those of you who are pretending that one is Randy and the other is “Sammi Sweetheart”, now look at the pic again.
IT’S THE EXACT SAME PERSON, RIGHT?!?
- Jionni is Snooki’s boyfriend. You poor, sick bastard.
- Um… JWOWW… what in the hell happened to your face? Not that it wasn’t beer goggle-needing before, but now she’s had all of the fat sucked out of her face. Either that or she’s using Ronnie’s new weight loss product and it’s caused her to begin to decompose.
Ronnie, I think we all know what you’re talking about… especially, JWOWW and what used to be of her face. By the way, I may need to do a tale of the tape breakdown between Adrian Grennier’s flailing acting arms and Ronnie’s reading head tic to figure out which one I love more.
- It’s good to know that JWOWW is willing to not try to have sex with people in Italy. I think that was part of the Geneva Convention.
- Hey! It’s Single Ronnie! I think the difference between Single Ronnie and Taken Ronnie is Taken Ronnie has an affinity for trying to scare his significant other through threatened violence and Single Ronnie is trying to find a significant other to scare with threatened violence while borrowing Matt Barnes’ hair. Coincidence?!
- Sammi Foye, you make me have cramps too.
- Snooki’s dad is wearing carpenter jeans. What up, 1996?
- Dino and Sammi Foye are selling 6-hour energy drinks. It’s like 5-hour energy drinks only with an extra hour of PCP. I naturally thought of this.
- JWOWW is down to eight cans of bronzer and that’s apparently good for 10 days. 10 days?! It’s like Owen Wilson applying too much lacquer to the altar in Meet The Parents.
- I apologize for back-to-back Ben Stiller references.
- Watching the guys and girls race to the house in Italy first is easily the worst season of Amazing Race ever. I also enjoy the fact that the producers and trip planners for MTV made it impossible for the girls to beat the guys to the house. We all know it’s better for them to have their say in how the house situation is set up. If the girls picked, you’d have almost no chance Vinny and Pauly staying in the same room, and that’s really what we/I came to see here.
- Here’s a math problem for you:
Vinny’s beard > Paul Pierce’s beard. My beard > Paul Pierce’s beard.
Can you deduce who has the better beard between Vinny and myself? Correct answer is James Harden. Always.
- Ronnie, nobody believes your abstaining from getting back together with Sammi Foye. You’re like the Italian version of Bobby and Whitney. In fact, I’d pay a lot of money to watch that double date happen.
- Did we really go 23 minutes before our first “YEAH, buddy”? That can’t be right.
- Ronnie has deduced that lemons are bitter and sour. Next up: cursive writing and sounds farm animals make.
- I could watch Vinny enjoy Ronnie falling down for the rest of my life.
- Apparently, Circumstance and Snooki snooked up at one point. The problem with this is that’s one of the most revolting images you could ever conjure up. It’s apparently happened a few times. And this is WITH JIONNI IN THE PICTURE! We get a shot at the end of the show of Circumstance striking out so much that he eventually turns to trying to get with Snooki. It’s good to know that he always plans ahead. He knows that if he can’t legally coerce any ladies into going home with him then he can always trick the emotionally crippled Snooki into a good time.
- “Good morning, Vincent. Good morning, Vincent’s Beard. Did yous both sleep well?” That’s easily my favorite line of the show.
- I can’t wait to see the Ronnie and Circumstance fight.
- All of your botox are belong to JWOWW.
- No, seriously. If you’re the type of person that will buy the 6-hour energy drink because you saw it on Jersey Shore, then I really want you to never read this site again. You should probably just admit to a heinous, unsolved crime and be locked up. Oh, whom am I kidding? If you’re that type of person, you can’t read this.
- Watching Circumstance confide in Ronnie is really great. There isn’t a chance in hell that he doesn’t tell everybody and that’s probably a big cause for the fight later in the season. It was like watching Michael Scott on The Office learn a secret and start trying to control himself.
- Only two “YEAH, buddy” outbursts in the first 48 minutes. I am disappoint.
- Dino is definitely the prettiest guy there. Okay, that’s not true. It’s still Pauly. Also, I think Pauly D impersonating Dino’s boobs could be its own spinoff show.
- Vinny’s Italian speaking is the conch of this season. Now we have to figure out who will get flattened when they push Snooki off the cliff and onto an unsuspecting cast member.
- So apparently, Ronnie feels the need to warn Snooki about cheating on Jionni because he’ll eventually visit Italy during the season. He says she has to watch our or she’ll get her “ass busted.” Normally, I would think that means “you’re going to get caught cheating.” However, with Ronnie, I think he actually means physical violence. Going to be a great dad!
- Worst way to end an episode of Jersey Shore is to see Pauly D drunkenly kissing Dino. Noooooo, buddy!