Love is definitely in the places you least expect it to be.
I’ve always been a firm believer that you’re unlikely to find someone you really want to date if you’re actively looking. It’s when you finally relax your senses and stop trying to find the one; you’ll stumble upon this future significant other through a random sequence of events. Going out to bars, clubs, and speed dating mixers give a lot of people that air of desperation. But removing yourself from that kind of “seeking energy” people generally put out there gives you a chance to let your guard down and become more desirable, in a way.
You need to be able to sit back, look at the talking orange bean bag chair blankly staring at you from across the MTV living domicile and say to yourself, “I know I like to pretend that I don’t bring home girls I would generally compare to military explosive devices, but really that Snooki is the best way for me to continue to further horrible stereotypes about my people and find a way to turn society into the napalm-breathing, cyanide-guzzling, form of reality show purgatory that makes the movie Idiocracy look like a best-case scenario in which we all hope to be more like Dax Shepard.”
Apparently Snooki is now officially in the Circumstance’s focus, which means she might want to build up a tolerance to roofies.
With that, let’s get to my random thoughts from episode 2 of this season’s Jersey Shore:
- Before we go any further, we have to discuss the idea of JWOWW being a grandmother and how she’d teach her grandkids the finer points of Italian cooking. Let’s pretend she lives the lifestyle she does, manages to go all Barry Sanders on the idea of natural selection, and lives to be roughly 75 years old. Let’s pretend she has offspring that are out of jail long enough to be able to head over to Grandma JWOWW’s mobile home for a home-cooked meal.
That’s when JWOWW is going to bust out the grandmotherly lessons bestowed upon her that were begat by her ancestors JGERTRUDE, JMARTHA and JBURNTHEWITCHATTHESTAKE. She’s apparently going to say, “Bitch, I made it in Florence. So shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza.” If there was ever a case for making all males get a vasectomy as soon as they hit puberty and then making them apply for a license to reverse that vasectomy after they turn 18, it’s JWOWW.
- Also, previously on Jersey Shore, Dino was kissing Pauly D and trying to tear his lower lip off of his face so she could put it on a necklace with the other lower lips of her victims, ala Dolph Lundgren in Universal Soldier. She was ready to just have a good time in the way guys like her tend to do when they’re single and in denial of how badly they need acceptance from the human race. So it was good to see her no strings attached policy when it comes to infecting Pauly D evaporate into fat air when she sees him dancing with an Italian lady in the club.
This ought to end well.
- It’s also good to see Pauly D’s Limoncello goggles are quickly put away once he gets back to the house. Nobody plays opossum after the club like Pauly D. NOBODY.
- I clearly come from a different world, existence and wormhole than JWOWW but I’m pretty sure I’ve never had to say, “I’m trying not to piss in public again.”
- Marionette Pierre is definitely my third favorite house member after Pauly D and Vinny.
- I wonder if Single Ronnie can borrow Taken Ronnie’s chap stick one time.
- In all seriousness, I completely respect Pauly D’s philosophy that they shouldn’t be sleeping away their time in Italy. Maybe these people will have a lot of chances to go back to Italy at some point in their lives and have fantastic family trips while doing so. But they’re unlikely to get many more chances as a group to spend this much time living there with one another. They shouldn’t be wasting away their time there by trying to out-sleep the hangovers and end up regretting not doing more in their “homelands.” Also, when you wake up early so that you can later put on a kickass 1980s windbreaker to go walk the streets of Italia, you’re always going to win me over to your side.
“Nice windbreaker, bro!”
- It is hard for me to believe Randy Foye Sweetheart is a good cook when I’m able to make this photoshop based on something that happened in the kitchen.
I don’t think I really have to say much more about that.
- I’ve never been an authentic Italian lady cooking, but I also know that I’ve never been cooking dinner for a household and then thought I should take a break from it so I can go have a meal somewhere. But then again, I’m not an authentic Italian lady like Dino, Randy Foye Sweetheart and Grandma JWOWW. Maybe that’s as normal to them as setting women’s rights back 100 years or trying to get into fistfights with guys.
- “Como se dice paper towel?” – Pauly D
“Carte… some shit like that.” – Vinny
“Carte some shit like that, sì.” – Pauly D.
Come on. Let’s just give them their own reality show spinoff and be done with it. Nobody cares about the rest of these fools.
- I’ve never been to Italy but I’ve always wanted to go. I’ve actually never been to Europe at all. Even with knowing about my lack of experience with the traveling and sightseeing in Europe, I know that there isn’t a chance in hell that the Vatican is located in the city of Florence. If I remember correctly, Florence and Rome (where the Vatican is located) aren’t all that close to each other. I’ve looked at a map of Italy maybe twice in my life. They’ve been planning this trip to Italy for months. That sounds about right.
- There isn’t enough hand sanitizer in the world that would allow Snooki to cook a pizza in a restaurant without violating all of the health codes.
- JWOWW wouldn’t know a coffee bean grinder if she picked it up and then decided not to use it, instead opting for a “ravioli maker” to crush the beans. I think JWOWW’s coffee lesson to her kids and grandkids will be “I learned to make coffee in Italy like it was the 1800s so go tell Starbucks they’re a bunch of bitches, bitch.”
Also, her breaking point for never making coffee ever again was that it was too hot. She’s seriously going to reproduce one day and there isn’t anything we can do to stop it. Write to your congressperson and see if we can create and invoke some type of amendment.
- I don’t really feel like discussing the entire Ronnie-Randy Foye Sweetheart debacle right now. So I’ll just give this little anecdote.
Many years ago, I started dating this girl. We call her “donuts.” Probably because I’m not a very smart person, it took me a few months until I discovered that she was omni-polar (there is no way bi-polar is an accurate representation of how chemically off this girl was). For any fairly normal guy that has ever dated a crazy girl, you are nodding in agreement with me when I say that it’s a very scary thing to think about breaking up with someone like this. You never know the extremes the situation will go to when it comes people like this. Now maybe you’re going to say I’m insensitive for assuming she was crazy just because she had a chemical imbalance. Don’t take my word for it; take the word of the mental institution she was admitted to three times.
Because I was too scared to find out what happens when I stopped being polite and started being real with her by telling her she had to be out of my life, I endured this relationship for well over a year, just because I didn’t want to end up with my own head sent to me as a message. After doing the bare minimum I had to do to be her boyfriend, it came to the point in which we were planning a trip to Disneyland and she asked me if I had gone engagement ring shopping. Apparently, in some holding area of the Twilight Zone, I was supposed to magically know that her dream was to be proposed to under Cinderella’s castle at Disneyland. When I told her there was no chance in hell of that happening, she broke up with me. It was the best-case scenario. After looking for a way out, she offered to buy me out of my contract and send me packing.
After a few months of crazy encounters and me dodging run-ins with her like I was Neo in the One Flew Over the Matrix, I finally figured I had quelled the crazy storm. Then one night, I got home from work to find 90+ mini powdered sugar donuts on my lawn, porch and roommate’s car. The guano crazy girl had donut’d my house, hence the nickname of “Donuts.”
What does this have to do with Ronnie and Randy Foye Sweetheart? Watching these two interact in sober and drunken states is like watching two versions of Donuts try to date each other. Both are looking for a way to crazily make each other’s life hell by dating one another. I don’t know how it’s going to end up, but I guarantee someone’s lawn is getting canoli’d.
- I don’t know that I’ve ever enjoyed something so much as Pauly D enjoying Drunk Single Ronnie.
- Drunk Dino walking is like watching Chris Farley in any sketch on SNL with breakable furniture on the set. You know at some point, this beast is dropping to the floor and taking down anything in her way.
- It doesn’t surprise me in the least that Busted McFloridaResident didn’t seem to have a problem with the Circumstance kicking her out of the house immediately after a little “Blow-Pop.” Circumstance, please go get yourself tested immediately. Come se dice “bucket of penicillin”?
- I can’t think of the last time I saw a RomCom as beautiful as Vinny and Ronnie in the lovecuzzi.
- And now, the comedic stylings of Pauly D and Vinny.
“Yo, if she still has coloring books, she’s too young for you, man.”
“If she’s got a basket on her bicycle, she’s too young for you, man.”
“If she still has the parental controls on her TV in her bedroom, she’s too young for you, bro.”
“If she only owns Snow White on DVD, she’s too young for you, man.”
“Yo, if her Keds still light up, she’s too young for you, bro.”
“If that (expletive) still plays laser tag, she’s too young for you, bro.”
Also, there has never been a better moment in reality television history than Pauly D making Dino get off his lap so he can go to Vinny lying in bed and ask him if he wants some chap stick. SPINOFF! SPINOFF! SPINOFF!
And with that, I bid you adieu. Can’t wait for episode 3.